The human negatives are parts of yourself you wish weren’t there, the parts you’re afraid for people to see, the parts you don’t want to come into the light. It’s also the people, the situations, and the habits you keep that are no longer serving you.
Whether you choose to ignore them or face them, they will surface. That, I can assure you. They show in spite of your ignorance, they show because you deny them, they show because you can’t control them. Not always.
You avoid looking at yourself in the mirror.
You avoid asking questions because you don’t want the answers.
It’s frightening to be alone with yourself. Alone in your thoughts. Alone in your feelings. Alone in your mind. You delay your awakening when you fill your life with distractions. You distract yourself with relationships, with friendships, with work, with extracurriculars, with drinking, with parties, with anything that keeps you away from the places where you’re left all alone. It doesn’t mean you’re lonely, it just means you are alone. Once the distractions disappear, shit gets real. No more avoidance. It’s time. You begin to expose the negative.
Don’t get me wrong, for the most part we are all beautiful unicorns riding across colorful rainbows – shitting glitter into a universe filled with pink and purple stardust where mystical electronic dance music plays and magical happiness flows through rivers of chocolate and candy and love is a fine mist sprinkling all of the land.
But let’s get real here.
Negatives exist. Negative thought, negative emotion, negative action, negative inaction, negative personality traits, negative habits.. and the list goes on. Sometimes we can control it, sometimes we can’t, depending on its root. We all need to realize that and work on what we can.
So, every once in a while, stop filling your time with distractions. Stop trying to fill the void and just let yourself fall into it. It’s okay to feel everything all at once with no chaser. It’s necessary in order to change, to grow, to learn, to love: not only others, but yourself. I read a quote a few weeks back: “A comfort zone is a beautiful place to be but nothing ever grows there.” You have to feel uncomfortable in order to grow. Get scared. Get tortured. Get ugly.
No one can save you from yourself.
Don’t find salvation in others.
Find it within you.
I’ve had a long stretch of comfort zone that has ended slowly and abruptly all at the same time. It has thrown me into a shit storm of what the fuck and holy hell and all things in between. Familiar people and familiar situations are now gone. The former has fallen away. I have the ability to start fresh yet here I am, dragging along the dead weight of my past tense self.
It wasn’t just about what I didn’t deserve. It wasn’t just about how I shouldn’t be treated. It’s all a two-way street with no one in particular at the start of it. Everything is relative. It’s about how I need to be the kind of person who gives to others what they deserve too, realizing what is working and what isn’t, taking ownership of what is mine, and doing that by learning to love myself, negatives and all. I shall change all I can and understand all I can’t. It’s about mindfulness, it’s about an awareness of self. The whole thing is a development process. It’s exposing the negatives to see the real picture.
I believe in fate. I believe people and situations are brought forth for a reason. They teach us things. We choose to take opportunities and sometimes we choose to miss them. Sometimes, we choose to hold on when we should let go and we choose to let go when we should hold on. But it ends there. Fate only decides what comes in to your life. We decide who stays and who goes and when. It’s up to us to figure it all out.
It begins with the love for ourselves.
It begins with the recognition of what was, what is, and what could be.
By the holding on and the letting go.
If you get a chance to let go of some of the negative, loosen your grip.
Destiny has a way of finding you.
When you fight to cling to negatives: the people, thoughts, and situations that are no longer meant to be in your life,
you cannot develop what’s meant to be.
You delay your destiny.
Don’t do that.
Fate is trying to tell you something.
Listen. Take notes. Stop falling asleep in class.
A way to do that is through exposure. Expose your negatives, your rawness, your true self. All pictures begin with a negative. They are part of what creates the beautiful image. See them in your reflection. Rip them wide open. Everything about you. Change the things you can, embrace the things you can’t. If you are honest with yourself and honest with others, it opens a world where you are capable of following your fate, deciding your destiny. It allows you to love and be loved in return, not because of your negatives, but in spite of them.
Everything is going to be okay. It has to be, right? But to be honest with ourselves, we are never really sure. That’s where hope and faith are supposed to step in. They are the light in the darkness of our reality. They are the escape when we are trapped in our present tense. They are the keys that unlock our destiny. They can be the wind that slams the door shut on the past we are running from. Hold hope in one hand and faith in the other and you’ve got your entire world in the palm of your hands. You can do anything, be anything.
When you want something to happen, something to be the case, when you have trust that certain things you desire are going to happen, that’s hope. When you hold fast to your beliefs, not in the sense of religion, but when you maintain complete trust and confidence in someone or something, that’s faith. People get into serious trouble when they lose hope, when they lose faith. Especially when you lose it in yourself. It means there’s nothing left to hold onto anymore. If you can’t imagine your future, you let go of your present. Then you slip slowly into madness.
I’ve been there.
I’ve fallen into the void.
I’ve felt the nothing.
It’s not an easy place to be nor is it an easy place to escape from.
A certain kind of terror lives there.
All the monsters from my childhood collide with the monsters of my adulthood.
They reach their claws into my skull and start poking around.
A twist here, a tug there.
Fucking shit up.
Just because they can.
There are times when you have no idea you’re losing your hope, losing faith. They are the best times. Ignorance is bliss. The worst is when you feel them slipping through your fingers, a slow painful process, starving the life out of you. You scramble to maintain, to hold on, to think happy thoughts, to find the light – but you can’t. The monsters have stolen your flashlight, your light bulbs, your candles and your matches. You’re fumbling in the dark, in a familiar place, but still can’t find your way. As I said, it’s like madness.
Being a woman who has read a multitude of self-help books, inspirational reads, motivational works and those how-to-live-on-next-to-nothing survival manuals, I walked away with a few common threads. There is this possibility that you have the power to manifest things just by thinking them. You’ve heard of some of these I’m sure:
the power of positive thinking
the laws of attraction
what you put out there in the universe is what you get back
whatever you do comes back to you threefold
I do believe in all of this. And that’s what makes it so much harder to be consciously aware that I’m losing my positive self, one grain of sand at a time, until there is nothing left, until I’m staring down the barrel of chaos. Any happy thoughts are gunned down, with a sniper rifle, quick and at a distance, before they ever have a chance to reach me.
So my question is, how do I stop my life plane from crashing? Especially when hope and faith are the wings I need to fly. It seems I can’t go anywhere but down so I start to embrace for the impact. Unless, that is, I can pick myself back up. Keep the flight, keep the course.
How do I stop the crashing?
The trick to all of this is strength of the mind. To me, it’s one of the hardest things to develop. Go to the gym several times a week and after a while, your body morphs into a machine. But to make a beast out of your mind? That, my friends, is an incredible feat. Imagine it’s like how diamonds are made. Not impossible, no, but it requires certain methods. The power of positive thought is a diamond-forming process, it needs a whole lot of time and extreme pressure to create it.
If you think positive, it can change your entire outlook on life. If you have a goodness about you, you treat others fair and kindly, you work hard, you keep yourself honest and you do right with the world, the cosmic laws should attract good things to you. Or so they say. Beyond that, you can’t just sit on your ass waiting to reap those benefits, you’ve got to get out there and grab what’s yours for the taking. Build your own destiny.
The trouble with believing something like that is that sometimes it seems the odds are never in your favor no matter what you do. For every mountain you climb, there’s another one waiting for you right after it. It’s even higher and it’s way more menacing. You’re a good person, at least you think you are, but bad things always happen. Is there such a thing as luck? Good or bad? How about fate? Are we fated?
Bruce Lee once said, “Don’t pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.” This is the quote I hold on to the dearest. In other words it tells me, don’t be a victim. Don’t be a victim to your circumstances and don’t play a victim by allowing your frail mind to make itself weaker and succumb to your own personal tragedies. A tragedy to you might not be the same for another. Though some of our circumstances are beyond our control, like the lives we are born into (fortunate or not), we all have the same amount of time in each day. Only we can control the thoughts that run through our mind. Only we can choose what to do with those hours and how to feel about what we’re doing in them. This remains true even if when we can’t control whatever else is left to circumstance. We have the ability to change our stars and align with a new universe – – if we want to, if we have the courage to.
This can only begin by forging an inner strength that outweighs the weight of your world.
It’s not impossible.
Your mind has the ability to create diamonds out of your darkness.
It would not be possible if your life didn’t bring the heat, provide the pressure, give you the time.
Your mind is a diamond in the rough, forged from the hell you have to go through.
With time comes strength, metamorphosis, beauty.
You are built from the pressure your life has given you.
The most precious diamonds are the ones who have lived the most trying of lives.
My heart is a prison. I’m trapped inside this beating fortress of muscle and blood. I see things that aren’t really there. I believe things that aren’t really true. I turn reality into imaginary. Delusional. All is lost in a single beat. There’s a hole in the wall, a chamber malfunction. Bad blood mixes with good. Atrial Septal Defect. Ebstein’s Anomaly.
I swear it’s defected.
The doctor tell me it’s normal.
Well fuck you Dr. Know Nothing because my heart has caused more problems in my life than any other organ I have. Sure girl, consciously kill your liver (what has it ever done to you?!) and just let your heart go on shit storming your life up.
Give me a transplant please. I want a black heart, one that doesn’t feel. I want one with a faulty lock, with a crooked hinge, an uneven seal, whatever the damage might be that allows me to escape from it. I don’t want to be trapped inside the one I was born with anymore.
I used to watch The Vampire Diaries. Envious of the characters Damon and Stefan and their ability to turn their feelings off, shut them down, forget they ever had them at all. Emotionless vampires meandering through immortal life without a care in the world. The inability to feel anything on purpose and at will – – now that would be awesome, wouldn’t it? Running through a field of wild flowers, spinning in circles, in an obnoxious girly-girl dress screaming, “look at all the fucks I give!!!!” And there would be none. For real. I wouldn’t have to fake it, I could literally stop feeling. It would be glorious.
An obscene level of familial dysfunction – – as if it is seven of the most dramatic soap operas wrapped into one family… don’t care. A detached lover? Don’t care. Drowning in bills? Still don’t care. Ramen Noodles for lunch every day for the last three weeks when you’re closing in on 30 years old? So what? Chemical plastic shaped like pasta all day ‘errrrday bitch. Not a worry in the world that these noodles are causing a slow gastric death seeping toxic waste into my mucous membranes and the fact that every package could outlive a nuclear blast.
Emotions can’t touch me.
I feel everything.
There is no emergency shut off valve.
But a girl can dream.
I bear the Zodiac sign of the crab. This makes me an internal emotional roller coaster. Crabs feel EVERYTHING. Even other people’s emotions. Many Cancers are unable to distinguish the difference between their feelings and those they sense in others. I know I can’t. It’s overwhelming sometimes. It can be energy zapping. As if your emotions and my emotions formed a giant octopus that attached itself to my face. Tentacles smothering, airways constricting, a strange slurping sound, sucker cups sucking – – the life right out of me.
They say we Cancers are tender at heart, family oriented, we consider our homes to be our retreat: we need order and calmness to reign there so we can recharge after a hectic day, we’re home bodies, kind, intuitive, dependable, action taking, persistent, artistic, creative and excellent workers and providers. But we’re also fearful of rejection, resentful, unforgiving, and angry.
It’s all true.
All this Zodiac mumbo-jumbo brings me to this ::
Recently, on 01/09/2015, Lindsay Holmes posted an article in The Huffington Post called 6 Toxic People Who May Be Sabotaging Your Happiness. Number five? The person/people who USE you.
Holmes writes, “We don’t have room in our lives for people who take advantage of us. Helping each other is one thing, but if the favors are always one-sided, it might be time to address the situation.”
If you’ve read the above, you could see how easily a crab might be used. I try to be kind. Always. There’s a difference between being nice and being kind. I’m not normally nice per say. I could be a bitch. But damn it, I am kind. I will offer a helping hand to those in need, strangers, co-workers, friends, practically anyone, doesn’t matter who.
I try to be dependable. I will come through for you if you need me. I never go back on my word unless some really crazy shit happens to derail my promise. Whether it’s love, work, help, advice or even money… though I usually end up regretting this one since I honestly don’t a pot to piss in, but still, I find myself giving away what I don’t have, because you need it, because you need me.
Action taker. Yes I am. I am always ready to spring into action. If I get a plan, idea, notion, anything in my head, I’m quick to dive right into it. And I’m persistent as fuck. I never give up. But sometimes, that’s not always a good thing. At least not in this case. I haven’t given up on all of you yet.
When it comes to my family, they’re repeat offenders, charged with using me time and time again. And every single time, there I am:: listening, offering, listening, giving, listening, driving, listening, donating, listening, believing. And with each time – the lies, the manipulation, the bullshit, the asking, the taking, the draining… it cuts a little deeper and soon the wounds won’t close anymore. When is the end? When will it stop? I’m giving so much of myself sometimes that I can’t get back to the me I was before.
I become bitter. Resentful. Angry.
The crab in me wants to sharpen my pincers and take off a toe or two, maybe some fingers, maybe more. You take my soul, I start taking your extremities.
Harboring anger and bitterness morphs you into a tea pot ready to blow, whistling your resentments and spraying your scalding water on the innocent. It contradicts all the good traits I have. And instead of making me upset, knowing this only makes me angrier.
You know I’d believe you if one more time you told me you loved me and were proud of me. Asking me “how I am doing” like you mean it. Feed me just enough bullshit to lay your trap. And I’ll walk right into it. Again and again. A leaf covered spear pit. It’s not in my nature to ignore you if need my help. It’s not in my nature to back down. It’s not in my nature to not always seek the good in people, the good in you.
But what if there isn’t any good?
Any good at all.
Not an ounce, not a sprinkle, not a pinch.
Psycho narcissistic sociopath.
You depend on my dependability.
You drink my kindness until you are drunk off of it.
You build the dollhouse exterior to conceal your house of horrors.
You invite me in.
I’m tangled in the web of your puppet strings.
I drank your fucking Koolaid.
Might as well pour me a double.
Cyanide.. antifreeze.. Draino, whatever.
Pick your poison.
Family is family. It’s hard to cut the ties that bind. Blood is thicker than water. Supposedly. I don’t know which time will be the time I say enough is enough, but I hope it comes soon.
But I hope there never comes the time when I learn to shut down my emotions, to stop my heart. To let the anger blacken it until it’s charred and merciless. Then my dedication, my action taking, my creativity and my persistence might mean something different entirely to you. I’ll have an inside that mirrors your own. But I guarantee it’ll be uglier.
-turn and face the strain-
don’t want to be a richer man
-turn and face the strain-
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
– David Bowie
Rarely embraced, forever feared – – by most.
CHANGE – as defined by Webster : to become different
: to make (someone or something) different
: to become (someone or something) else
‘Tis the season of change. A brand new year, a chance to start over. The month of January – filled to the brim with resolutions that people throw around like they’re Santa Clause on a firetruck flinging popcorn balls to awaiting children on the streets. (I used to love that. Not Santa. The popcorn balls.)
“New year, new me!”
I smell bullshit.
At least in my case. Promises, promises. Promises to yourself, promises to other people, promises people make to you. I could drowned in promises not kept by others and by my self. I bet you could find them all wherever all those left socks end up when they’re missing from the dryer.
I don’t see why we feel the need to announce to everyone what our “resolutions,” are, if we make them at all. Air them out like dirty laundry on social media and to our friends and family. I keep mine secret just in case I end up resolving shit, which 99.9% of the time is what usually happens.
RESOLUTION, as defined by Webster
: the act of finding an answer or solution to a conflict or problem
: the act of resolving something
: an answer or solution to something
Change is usually necessary in order to make complete a resolution. One would assume so. Change your eating habits, change your daily routine, change yourself. Do more of this, less of that. Seek happiness. Make improvements. Spend more time with your family, find what your passions are, and the “resolutions” go on and on in variations that are individual to every person. But it all comes down to one thing: CHANGE.
We are creatures of habit which makes change difficult.
Small changes that alter your life in little increments are easier to endure. No one wants to overdose, not even on change. Eat one to two more healthy meals a week, pick up a gym session, schedule “me” time in your planner, read more books, crochet a sweater, put more emphasis on a quality get together with your best friend, etc.
But I’m not talking about eating more vegetables here. Or picking up a new hobby. I’m talking about the great fear. Change(s) you have to make that you know might break your heart. Changes that could mean failure, disaster, and that ugly word: regret. So you hesitate. This hesitation lasts days, then weeks, then months, then years and suddenly you forget how much time has passed, that is, until you’re face to face with another new year where nothing at all has changed and you are left wanting, or angry, or just stupefied.
This January is just like any other for some people. But not me. This is the new year where I realize I’ve hesitated for far too long, waiting for something or someone else to change. But -it- or -they- have not. There will be no package left on my doorstep from UPS addressed to me, labeled “change” in which I can open to alter my life. A box that comes with step by step instructions on what to do and when, a “Making Changes for Dummies” manual. If only it were that easy. But it’s not. I can’t wait any longer. I’m being torn in two.
To truly resolve, one must find an answer or solution to a conflict or problem. What if my conflict is that I’m a walking contradiction? What it my problem is that it feels like my soul is dying? How do you resolve that? What if the answer to my solution means changing something I don’t want to? What if it means taking drastic measures because these are drastic times? What if I can’t? What if I won’t? Because it’s going to break my fucking heart doing it. I know it. But it could also save my life in the end. I know that too.
I say one thing, I’m doing another.
I believe this, but I’m doing that.
I trust in my gut, but I ignore the fuck out of it.
I won’t tolerate bullshit, but I allow bullshit to dictate my life.
I don’t make promises I can’t keep, but I allow people to break theirs to me.
I value strength and courage, yet I make decisions out of weakness.
This is my harsh reality. We’re too soft on ourselves if you ask me. We don’t give ourselves the credit we deserve when it comes to the courage that lives inside of us all. I can hear you say, “Hey, give yourself some credit. You’re doing the best you can.” Am I? Am I really though? It’s easy to give in. It’s easy to give up. It’s SO DAMN EASY to settle. Easy to not try at all. But I want the fight. Where is it?
I’m looking in the mirror thinking, “Wake the fuck up. Don’t be a pussy. You see what you see, feel what you feel and you know what you know and yet you do NOTHING. What the hell is wrong with you?” Be the beast inside you or become the ghost behind you.
I’m living with an internal v.s external struggle. What I feel inside is not what I am doing. Not at all. Remember in the post before this one where I said listen to your conscience, your inner voice, your gut? Well, it’s blowing one of those emergency lost-in-the-woods whistles at me that’s bursting my eardrums. It has lit a blinding flare that never goes out and is so close to my face that the sparks burn my skin. It tugs at my brain, trying to pull it up and over the cliff it hangs off of but it can’t – – because my brain is holding onto my heart trying to save her life too, trying not to let her break into a million pieces. It’s too heavy to save both so my brain must decide.
Brain, you must let go of my heart, let it fall.
Let it bust and bleed.
Let it pump out what it has inside that’s holding me back.
Let it beat for the last time the things I need to release.
Let it die.
Let me die.
And hopefully the electric shock of voluntary change will bring it and me back to life.
I need to find that inner peace. I’m in a state of unrest. And if I don’t do something now, then when? If it’s one one thing you take away from reading this post, it’s this ::: only you have the power to make positive or negative change in your life or you can simply stand still. The decision is always yours first and foremost. If you’re in this life together with someone else, they can come along for the ride, or you can take a trip with them, but ultimately it is YOU who decides your inner happiness and how you will find it. It has always been you. This person might be a small or immense part of that happiness but you hold its true worth internally, inside of you.
If you life your life for someone else, it’s not living, unless you both are in sync with one another.
If you wait for someone else to change, you are going to die waiting.
You can’t save other people. They have to save themselves.
If they won’t, they’ll take you down with them.
If you must settle for something less than your best life and your truest self, you are going to miss your calling, everything you were meant to be, everything you were meant to do.
Life gives you detours.
Life gives you rocky roads.
Life gives you traffic jams.
Hell, life might even throw out a spike strip or two out in the middle of the road and flatten your tires.
But life never puts out concrete barriers.
Only you are responsible for the imaginary road blocks you can’t drive through.
So whether it’s starting over, chasing after your dreams, going for the career chance of a lifetime, moving to a completely new town or even a new state, leaving a relationship, starting a new relationship, going on a vacation, quitting a $150,000/yr job for a $40,000/yr one because you’re home more and the job you’re doing finally makes you happy.. whatever it is, big change or small, do it. Because you can. Because you want to. Because you know what you need to do.
Don’t be afraid.
Live your best life.
Be your true self.
It’s never too late.
And yes, I resolve to follow my own advice. Really and truly.