former self.
former self.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
-turn and face the strain-
Ch-ch-changes
don’t want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
-turn and face the strain-
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
– David Bowie

____________________

Change.

Rarely embraced, forever feared – – by most.

CHANGE – as defined by Webster : to become different

: to make (someone or something) different

: to become (someone or something) else

‘Tis the season of change. A brand new year, a chance to start over. The month of January – filled to the brim with resolutions that people throw around like they’re Santa Clause on a firetruck flinging popcorn balls to awaiting children on the streets. (I used to love that. Not Santa. The popcorn balls.)

“New year, new me!”

I smell bullshit.

At least in my case. Promises, promises. Promises to yourself, promises to other people, promises people make to you. I could drowned in promises not kept by others and by my self. I bet you could find them all wherever all those left socks end up when they’re missing from the dryer.

I don’t see why we feel the need to announce to everyone what our “resolutions,” are, if we make them at all. Air them out like dirty laundry on social media and to our friends and family. I keep mine secret just in case I end up resolving shit, which 99.9% of the time is what usually happens.

RESOLUTION, as defined by Webster

: the act of finding an answer or solution to a conflict or problem

: the act of resolving something

: an answer or solution to something

Change is usually necessary in order to make complete a resolution. One would assume so. Change your eating habits, change your daily routine, change yourself. Do more of this, less of that. Seek happiness. Make improvements. Spend more time with your family, find what your passions are, and the “resolutions” go on and on in variations that are individual to every person. But it all comes down to one thing: CHANGE.

We are creatures of habit which makes change difficult.

Small changes that alter your life in little increments are easier to endure. No one wants to overdose, not even on change. Eat one to two more healthy meals a week, pick up a gym session, schedule “me” time in your planner, read more books, crochet a sweater, put more emphasis on a quality get together with your best friend, etc.

But I’m not talking about eating more vegetables here. Or picking up a new hobby. I’m talking about the great fear. Change(s) you have to make that you know might break your heart. Changes that could mean failure, disaster, and that ugly word: regret. So you hesitate. This hesitation lasts days, then weeks, then months, then years and suddenly you forget how much time has passed, that is, until you’re face to face with another new year where nothing at all has changed and you are left wanting, or angry, or just stupefied.

This January is just like any other for some people. But not me. This is the new year where I realize I’ve hesitated for far too long, waiting for something or someone else to change. But -it- or -they- have not. There will be no package left on my doorstep from UPS addressed to me, labeled “change” in which I can open to alter my life. A box that comes with step by step instructions on what to do and when, a “Making Changes for Dummies” manual. If only it were that easy. But it’s not. I can’t wait any longer. I’m being torn in two.

To truly resolve, one must find an answer or solution to a conflict or problem. What if my conflict is that I’m a walking contradiction? What it my problem is that it feels like my soul is dying? How do you resolve that? What if the answer to my solution means changing something I don’t want to? What if it means taking drastic measures because these are drastic times? What if I can’t? What if I won’t? Because it’s going to break my fucking heart doing it. I know it. But it could also save my life in the end. I know that too.

I say one thing, I’m doing another.

I believe this, but I’m doing that.

I trust in my gut, but I ignore the fuck out of it.

I won’t tolerate bullshit, but I allow bullshit to dictate my life.

I don’t make promises I can’t keep, but I allow people to break theirs to me.

I value strength and courage, yet I make decisions out of weakness.

This is my harsh reality. We’re too soft on ourselves if you ask me. We don’t give ourselves the credit we deserve when it comes to the courage that lives inside of us all.  I can hear you say, “Hey, give yourself some credit. You’re doing the best you can.” Am I? Am I really though? It’s easy to give in. It’s easy to give up. It’s SO DAMN EASY to settle. Easy to not try at all. But I want the fight. Where is it?

I’m looking in the mirror thinking, “Wake the fuck up. Don’t be a pussy. You see what you see, feel what you feel and you know what you know and yet you do NOTHING. What the hell is wrong with you?” Be the beast inside you or become the ghost behind you.

I’m living with an internal v.s external struggle. What I feel inside is not what I am doing. Not at all. Remember in the post before this one where I said listen to your conscience, your inner voice, your gut? Well, it’s blowing one of those emergency lost-in-the-woods whistles at me that’s bursting my eardrums. It has lit a blinding flare that never goes out and is so close to my face that the sparks burn my skin. It tugs at my brain, trying to pull it up and over the cliff it hangs off of but it can’t – – because my brain is holding onto my heart trying to save her life too, trying not to let her break into a million pieces. It’s too heavy to save both so my brain must decide.

Brain, you must let go of my heart, let it fall.
Let it bust and bleed.
Let it pump out what it has inside that’s holding me back.
Let it beat for the last time the things I need to release.
Let it die.
Let me die.

And hopefully the electric shock of voluntary change will bring it and me back to life.

Hopefully.

I need to find that inner peace. I’m in a state of unrest. And if I don’t do something now, then when? If it’s one one thing you take away from reading this post, it’s this ::: only you have the power to make positive or negative change in your life or you can simply stand still. The decision is always yours first and foremost. If you’re in this life together with someone else, they can come along for the ride, or you can take a trip with them, but ultimately it is YOU who decides your inner happiness and how you will find it. It has always been you. This person might be a small or immense part of that happiness but you hold its true worth internally, inside of you.

If you life your life for someone else, it’s not living, unless you both are in sync with one another.

If you wait for someone else to change, you are going to die waiting.

You can’t save other people. They have to save themselves.

If they won’t, they’ll take you down with them.

If you must settle for something less than your best life and your truest self, you are going to miss your calling, everything you were meant to be, everything you were meant to do.

Life gives you detours.

Life gives you rocky roads.

Life gives you traffic jams.

Hell, life might even throw out a spike strip or two out in the middle of the road and flatten your tires.

But life never puts out concrete barriers.

Only you are responsible for the imaginary road blocks you can’t drive through.

Remember that.

So whether it’s starting over, chasing after your dreams, going for the career chance of a lifetime, moving to a completely new town or even a new state, leaving a relationship, starting a new relationship, going on a vacation, quitting a $150,000/yr job for a $40,000/yr one because you’re home more and the job you’re doing finally makes you happy.. whatever it is, big change or small, do it. Because you can. Because you want to. Because you know what you need to do.

Don’t be afraid.
Live your best life.
Be your true self.
It’s never too late.
Never.
And yes, I resolve to follow my own advice. Really and truly.
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